16 comments on my last entry! I am so heartened by the responds many of you left. I hope the rest of my visitors take the time to read them. I’ve spent the last week or so thinking about a way to respond. And I’ve decided to tell you my motivations for the last blog.
I think I know as well as anyone that solitude is really important for making art. It gives me space to grow ideas, improve my skills, get to know my materials better, stuff like that. But to my mind, solitude is different than loneliness. Solitude can be nurturing, loneliness is isolating. And I’m not sure that is a good thing. Read the responses. We want people to understand us. We are comforted when we know that other feel the same. Connection, even connection to other lonely people, is important.
I am fortunate. My husband, Terry, and I share a deep, sweet. *Cliche Alert 
* He is the love of my life. He is the tree I cling to in the turbulence of my depression, anxiety, and poor health. He is a marvel. But that’s a whole lot of pressure for one person to bear. It’s not fair how often he puts aside his own struggles in order to care for me.
In school, I experienced run of the mill torment by my peers and even a few times by teachers. A fat girl, I was called “Shamu” on the bus. I had a good vocabulary, so I was accused of reading the dictionary for fun. Which, to be perfectly honest, I did. But apparently, that wasn’t OK 
In third grade, when we learned cursive Mrs. Murphy (yes, I went to an Irish Catholic school!) told us our letters had to be perfect. Mine were. I spent hours erasing what I’d written, crying, tearing the paper to shreds with a cheap pink eraser. When I turned in the tattered but perfectly lettered practice sheets and Mrs. Murphy saw what I had done, she took me out in the hall and SCREAMED at me. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the gist of it was that I had spent too much time on the homework. WTF?! Hadn’t she said to get it perfect?! Anyway, I’m 31 years old now, and it seems about time to move on. Most of these things happened over 20 years ago. Isn’t it about time to get comfortable in my own skin? Isn’t it about time to find a few sympathetic people and let them in? For the first time in my life I am beginning to really think so.
It’s so tough to let go of all those slights when we were kids. I had a similar incident 20 years ago, only it was confirmation class, and my pastor didn’t like my take on his assignment (what I liked best and worst about myself). Needless to say, I avoided him after that. Only recently have I started to gain more confidence around others (I’m 31 too), after being painfully shy for too long. It’s not easy, but we’ll get there!
It’s amazing what we carry with us from our childhood. As much as we try to shove them under the rug, they’re still there creating a bulge. Either way, you’re a wonderful artist and does great work. Keep up the good work, don’t be despair. And p.s. I used to copy dictionary as a kid to learn English and to practice penmenship. Might not be ‘fun’ per se, but learned alot.
I so understand your struggles. I think a lot of us now gathering online had similar experiences when we were children. I was too good in school and know too much about everything to be seen on an equal footing by other children. I’ve always been a little bit outside the social circles. But I also think I have a very interesting life now, and I’ve grown into a decent adult. I think the important thing is to ask yourself what you want to be, now that you’re not confined to a rigid system as we were growing up (and we can now avoid or deal with the people who don’t understand us instead of having to endure them like when we were kids!). Just what you have on this website now is an immense accomplishment…
Life is made of esperience.
It’s amazing when you hear someone’s story and it totally echoes your own – only I was rail thin and got told to turn sideways and stick out my tongue so I’d look like a zipper. I had a step-father that told me I’d end up an Old Maid because I liked to read all the time and “friends” who made fun of me because I used “big words”. I gave up on my writing for nearly 15 years and it was only with the support of my husband that I’ve been back at it for about 3 years now and hope to have a novel ready to query by the first of the year. It is tough to let it go sometimes. I’m 32 and sometimes those voices still speak louder than my own. It’s a battle, but one well worth fighting.
You’ve pretty much nailed what my life is like. I have a beautiful daughter and a boyfriend that supports me. I paint, sculpt, draw, paper mache, resin cast, crochet and so on… and always have people compliment my work. But because of the weight i gained when i had my daughter, i am always insecure of myself. so i doubt people when they say they like something because I FEEL like i’m not good enough. and in the end, it affects the people around me because i start to doubt them too. the remedy? stop caring what people think! now i do art for myself because it makes me feel good that i can accomplish the goals i set for myself. plus now-a-days every one is a little hefty, so what do i care if i’m not an anorexic (SP?), i’m going to eat my cake and love it too! good luck, i’m sure you’ll make it through! (ps, your dolls really are amazing….
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Hi Beth
I have to say your story of being rebuked by your teacher for trying to hard for perfection made me smile a little. It seems that despite your teacher’s freak out she didn’t dent your desire for perfection. How many times have people admired, been astounded by your incredible eye for detail?
You no longer need to worry about the people in your past that hurt you or scared you or made you doubt yourself. They are gone, in the past, au revoir negativity. There are people everywhere who are amazed by what you achieve in your work.
And husbands are pretty great to cling to. Just have to remember to show them how much you care and appreciate all they do. As long as they remember to put the loo seat down.
Stay well, Beth. Got any beer in the fridge? I love hearing about your adventures in micro beweries almost as much as the ‘grumis.
xxx
I love your creatures. I struggle with some of what you spoke about here, so many of us do, and that’s without bad treatment from peers and teachers in childhood, so it must be so hard to shake with those echos in your head. I know this might be annoying when you have other health difficulties that a book won’t solve but I’ll say it anyway, I found the book Dr. Russ Harris ‘The Happiness Trap’ to be excellent. It was very well reviewed by a UK journalist so I bought it. Great little tricks for when old stuff swirls in your head. Just thought I’d share that as I get so much from what you share here.
thanks for the book idea, Sarah. Maybe I’ll check it out
I just wanted you to know you are not the only one who finds difficulty making friends. I can honestly say once I left college and got married, we have made friends with only one couple over the last 23 years. And I’m thankful for that, actually! We don’t go to church, I didn’t grow up here, I do own my own business which affords me the opportunity to meet a lot of people but it seems as if they are all full up on friendships and have no desire to make new ones. It’s a shame, really, because my husband and I are smart, funny (at least we think so) and would absolutely do whatever we could to help a friend in need.
So, in other words, you are not alone! I wish I had a solution or suggestion, but I don’t. Other than injecting yourselves into group functions, like church. Maybe a cycling club, dinner club or something like that?
Anyway, I’ve been a big, big fan of your work for a long time. Glad to see you back!!!